Jag kommer aldrig göra det för din skull
This is the second part of three in a mini novel based on real events
I’m staring at my plate, filled with mashed potatoes and some meatballs. It’s evening and my hangover stopped many hours ago. My mood is grumpy of the confusion. Questions running around in my head: What went wrong? Why don’t I get any answer? How drunk was I? Suddenly I am getting tired of my own sorrow. “Stop thinking about that now. Yeah, you misjudged the situation, stop whining and get over yourself”, I was thinking for myself. I´ve got to bed that night with one thought – I gat to get back out there. And where is the place with the ultimate setting to meet new people you ask? Tinder. I once again made a complete ass of myself and didn’t add to the equation that tinder is a little bit of a hit or miss. Everybody that has used the app can relate in that matter, one day you get match after match and get the full shallow boost and the other day you get hit down in your shoes so deep that you are seriously considering a life away from people in a cabin in the woods. The last option was my turn out form my attempt to put myself on the market.
The golden rule off tinder
A few days after my decision, I had almost that given up. Put down after swiping through some profiles, a familiar face turned up. With the same red hair, the same freckles and the same green eyes. Right when her profile appeared, I stood with a decision that many had gone through before me. Left, or right? With a person you have meet before. In my experience with tinder I had made up one rule: never swipe right with someone you already know for example with someone in the same class simple to avoid awkward conversation in future group assignment. The thing is that this rule can be over seen depending on person to person. If there is a friend, you can swipe right, and booth get the option to have a laugh about it later or a chance to take a new step. With just someone the you barely know it is more tricky cause you can swipe right and if nothing happens, it´s like it never happened (unless the person has the gold edition, then you’re screwed) and if it’s a match, pray to god that is turning out in something more than just a one-night stand to avoid future awkward looks in lunch lines or other meeting places.
A chance to make things right
For my situation, it really was more of a win-win situation. If a match, I could get the chance to clean up shit I possibly had caused, and if nothing would happen, it’s like it never happened and she will be gone next semester. I held my breath and pressed the green heart on the screen and a new profile appeared right after. For a millisecond I thought that it was over, but suddenly our profiles stood next to each other with a headline above saying – you have a new match. After a short risk calculation that she could have swiped me weeks from the day we meet, I still wanted to apologize if I had behaved badly. I click to chat and wrote: “your pretty bad at answering texts” with a tongue emoji. To be completely honest, my intention where not all honorable. Sure, I wanted to clean up my shit, if I caused anything, but I also wanted to make a point that she was being rude to say that we would set up a date and then don’t answer at all. After a few minutes waiting for her answer, I get a message. “What are you talking about, you send one text and I answered, then you send another totally ignoring my first one in which I also answered”. My head fills with confusion, what the hell is she writing about?
One detail changes the game
My answer is an explanation from my view and I get the same confusion back. Suddenly the hope is back, almost like nothing has really happened. We talk and sets up a date, the game is back on. A few days later we meet up at a café, the tension begins as a bit special as it often does during a tinder date. It turned out that the villain in the drama was different area codes on our phone numbers and the reason why the other one was not interested. A big stone was drop from my chest with the conformation that I was able to decode social signals normally and wasen´t completely unable to read social situations. It was also a relief cause my feelings towards her where consent, as she also tried to get contact to tinder. After clearing out the social misunderstanding, we took off where we left in our latest meeting. Suddenly that feeling that I could talk to her about everything returned and shined with it´s presence. After the coffee we took off to my place, still talking about nerd stuff and typical stuff about Sweden. About halfway through our walk towards my student dorm she took my hand and that warm feeling I felt from that night was back. After that day, it´s was her and me. We went to aka together with her other international friends, we sometimes just sat home watching series and started going to the cinema together as a thing, you could almost call it our thing. It all fell so naturally, holding her hand in the street, kissing in public and even spending mostly off my evenings with her. During our time together, we never defined what we were to each other. I pitched the idea off calling it worlds longest tinder date, were quickly shut down by that idea.
I remember one night at a local pub that had a karaoke bar, that I was dragged to by her and her other friends. After a numerous selection of shitty Swedish songs that I, as the only swede in the company had to explain what they sang about, the announcer cheers out her name. I first became a little uncomfortable because we had mostly had been mocking the other performers, and now she was going to be one of them. But how wrong I was, she really killed it. To be honest it wasn’t the best vocal performance but what performance. She got the crowd started and became the queen of the stage. I stood up throughout the whole song, just looking at her. “Wow” I was thinking to myself, this amazing person wants to be with me. After the song I hugged and kissed her, praising her for what she had done. She wanted some air and needed a smoke so we both went out in the rather cold November evening. We stood and talked about her performance and she suddenly embraced me, and we have a long sweet kiss. Afterwards she´s still holds me and I bury myself in her red hair surrounding her neck. “Okay, enough with enjoying boyfriend and girlfriend stuff”, she suddenly says and walks holding my hand, so I just follow. I could not believe it, why would an awesome nerdy redhead be with me?
The dark circle
For the first time in forever I loved the present, I was super happy where I was and whom I was with. In other moments in my life and especially as a single, I always saw the present as just a bridge for a better future with a carrier after graduation, travel more with the thought of after the graduation life starts for real. As long as time went, as colder it got, the present became more difficult to live in without thinking about the future. It went around in a dark circle. The more time I spent with her, the more the feelings grew. And the more the feelings grew, the harder it became to see the truth. This wasn’t going to last forever. We both knew at the beginning of the new year, she was going back to at her home university. We decided to have the talk about the future. But by even saying the words “next semester” really tied a nob in the stomach. Suddenly, the reality came in and demanded to be seen. We took a decision to never talk about the future, and just went on with it. All along to the very last second.